Koschei had won yet another game of chess played against his oldest and most loyal manservant, Igor. The man had some talent, yes, but he was only a hundred and fifty years old, and his opponent had centuries of experience ahead of him. If he did say so himself, Koschei viewed himself as a chess master.
Sometimes he wondered if he could ever persuade Baba Yaga to play with him again. The crone so hated to lose at anything, and hated even more to admit how talented he was, but they had enjoyed a few games together in their lifetime. Maybe if he gave her the sword willingly, she’d be willing to join him for a few rounds…
The Deathless One sipped thoughtfully at his vodka. There was another day and a half yet; he had plenty of time before-
His body jerked violently, spilling vodka all over himself, staining the fur of his robe. Koschei leaped up, spluttering and cleaning himself off. He’d felt something strange in that moment-something he hadn’t felt in a long, long time…
“Sir?” Igor asked. “Are you all right?”
Before Koschei could answer, his arm moved on its own, and he found himself casting a spell. A spell that opened a portal.
Before he could try to close it, a gargoyle-bedraggled, pale, with one wing dragging broken at his side, covered in mud and blood, and carrying a very ugly duck under one arm-stepped through. In one claw he clutched a golden egg.
***
Believe it or not, getting ahold of the soul was the easiest part of my trip. Because yeah, I broke my wing and lost some blood I couldn’t afford to lose fighting a giant rabbit-duck automaton that sprang out of the chest when I opened it, but the solution for that was simple: destroy it before it could destroy me, then remove the egg from its innards.Oh, sorry, were you actually interested in reading about that part? About the big, dramatic action scene? So you like reading about me getting beat up by some eldritch abomination and having to scramble frantically to a position where I can dig my claws into its belly and rip it open and pull out its wiring, getting myself splattered with oil and grime and being generally crushed and tossed about the whole time? What kind of monster are you?!
Hefting the egg, I said, “Found it.”
Koschei glared at me. “So you did.”
“Now give me the sword, before I smash it.”
With a world-weary sigh, the sorcerer handed it over. Then he asked, “Out of curiosity, how did you find it?”
I nearly said A little bird told me, but I didn’t want him exacting retribution on the innocent creature, so I said, “Just lucky, I guess.”
His eyes strayed to the duck anyway. And he realized, as I did, that it was under a spell of some kind, and his face twisted with a kind of dark hatred. “You!”
Whatever connection he had with it escaped me, but I quickly stepped back and brandished the egg. “You’re not allowed to do anything to hurt this creature, in duck form or whatever its original form is. Or come after me, or my family or friends. Promise you won’t do any of those things, and you can have this back.”
Koschei blinked. Then he said, “Then why bother returning it at all? It’s nothing short of foolish. And you could have all you want and more if you just keep my soul.”
Meaning he’d be my servant, like the Dark One’s dagger.* But I just said, “I don’t think I’m qualified to bear that kind of responsibility.” Then, more firmly, “Deal?”
He sighed. “Deal. I will not do anything to harm you, those you care for, or this-” his lip curled- “vodyanoy.”
So that’s what it is.
“You also need to promise not to entice anything to harm any of us, or act in any way, shape or form that will do so.”
Maybe I should have created a contract.
Looking exasperated, Mr. the Deathless agreed to all my terms. Once I was sure that the bases were covered, I started to place the egg in his hands. But then I hesitated.
“One more thing. What’s Kladenets do?”
He grinned mirthlessly. “It gives the bearer the gift of making very excellent borscht. Nothing else.”
You have got to be kidding me.
“Is that the truth?” I jiggled the egg a bit.
Koschei flinched, but told me, “I swear it on the souls of my ancestors.”
Dramatic, but I decided to believe him. I placed the egg in his arms. And for a split second, I saw a bit of a change in him. The washed-out-ness faded a bit, and I saw something more...human** in him. Then he glared, and opened a new portal, which swept me and the vodyanoy-duck away.
*From Once Upon a Time, a human TV show that was good, but sucked after season 3.
** For lack of a better word
