Welcome, errant readers, to Villainy 101!!!!
...Sorry, you're going to have to imagine the suspenseful organ music playing in the background. It's kind of hard to convey via writing. Especially since I don't have a link to it-
Anyway. My name is-oh, like I'm going to tell you what it is. As will be mentioned in a later lesson, one of the most important rules of successful villainy is figuring out the level of trust to place in others, and frankly I don't trust any of you potential villains out there not to try to steal my identity, or try to track me down or whatever diabolical scheme you might be hatching. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I haven't come up with a good alias.
Lately I have been thinking it over, and realized that the problem with villains nowadays is that they make mistakes which are, to put it bluntly, stupid.
I wondered for ages why this is, and realized they just haven't been taught appropriately. Which is ridiculous; you'd think, with all the role models out there showing the right (or wrong) way to act, they'd see all the flaws and act accordingly.
But no.
The heroes keep saving the day, and we keep losing.
So I have decided to try to teach any of you villains out there who need help, whether you're willing to admit it or not.
Think of this as "How to become a successful villain in four easy steps."
Lesson One: Gloating
Don't.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Do not waste your time gloating, laughing or being self-congratulatory, no matter how tempting it may be or how in-reach your goal is.
Do you know why?
Because whenever you do that, something bad is going to happen.
The hero will jump up and destroy your weapon of mass destruction/save your captive/shoot you in the face/whatever is required to foil your plan.
Save celebrating for after you've finally succeeded-but even then, be on your guard. Infinitely smarter villains than you have died ignominiously, or ended up in prison or whatever, because they thought they could finally relax.
The same rule applies for dealing with heroes: unless it is absolutely imperative that you keep them alive for some reason, just shoot them.
Don't put them in an elaborate trap, no matter how impossible it might seem for them to escape from it.
Don't try to convince them to join your side, unless you know absolutely that A) you can do so and B) there's no way they will back out later.
Don't try to get them to marry you, no matter how attracted to them you are.
If you have no reason to keep them alive, don't. Kill them, and do so as quickly and efficiently as possible.
In the words of Tuco from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: "When you have to shoot, shoot! Don't talk!"
"Why?" you may ask. "If I've finally caught them, why can't I take the time to humiliate them and rub it in their face?"
Dude, don't you ever watch any movies?
Heroes have sidekicks (their word for minions; somehow it's more heroic) and allies who will come to rescue them.
Heroes can produce elaborate gadgets made out of dental floss and paperclips that will help them escape.
Heroes, if given the time to talk, will try to weasel their way out of being killed by you, by trying to convince you that they have the MacGuffin or that if you kill them, it will be the worse for you.
You can worry about that when the time comes-letting the hero live is just going to come back and bite you later.
Coming up next, Lesson Two: Image.
